Mixed Emotions

Human emotions are a powerful thing – so powerful they change our perspective and shape our actions. Emotions can teach us and help us grow, but they can also overshadow the truth and lead us down a dangerous path if we are not careful. 

Let’s consider something that impacted all of us about three years ago. To put it mildly, the year 2020 was an interesting time for the world. Our vocabulary soon included regular use of words like pandemic, lockdown, and unprecedented. No one was really sure what would happen, but we knew life was different. Most of us were confined to our homes with limited face-to-face interactions. 

Like you, my only challenge in 2020 was not what was happening globally. This was also an interesting time for me as I launched my first book. For several years, I had poured over the words that became Finding Simplicity: Learning to Live Like Jesus in a Complicated World. Now, my vision was becoming a reality. 

I remember the day in February when the freight company came and dropped a pallet of books in the center of my driveway. I didn’t care that the boxes were heavy and I had to carry them all inside. I was just excited to open the boxes and hold a copy in my hands. 

The official book launch date was April 7, 2020, but I was planning for a launch event in mid-March. I invited friends and family to join me for what I was sure would be a big day for me. I felt confident that this book would usher me into a new season of ministry. 

But as that launch event grew closer, the world started to shut down. Less than one week from the event, the state of Virginia, where I live, limited the size of in-person gatherings, and not long after that, we entered lockdown. Instead of gathering with family and friends in person, my launch event turned into a Facebook live event. My dreams of speaking opportunities, selling hundreds of books, and recouping my publishing investment quickly vanished. 

When thinking about March 2020, for a long time, the first word that came to mind was disappointment. Disappointment is a powerful emotion, one that I allowed to cloud the good, one that I let rob me of the celebration and victory that I should have experienced. 

As 2023 started, I pondered starting another book project. Considering that potential brought me back to my first book. As I looked back, God brought healing. I have known for some time that many of my expectations for the book were rooted in unhealthy thinking. But I had missed the reality that emotions are complex, and in that complexity, it is completely possible to experience multiple emotions simultaneously. 

Experiencing mixed emotions doesn’t make us crazy; it makes us human. It is possible to feel joy and sadness at the same time. We can be full of fear, but face that fear with courage. We can be angry yet hopeful, both skeptical and positive, or disappointed and celebratory. 

There is a verse in Proverbs that I have quoted back to God many times. “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.” (Proverbs 13:12 NASB) I certainly shared this one frequently during my prayer times in 2020 as I focused on the hurt, feeling like God had let me down. 

I know it is healthy to grieve our losses and that we have complete freedom to be honest before God. But looking back, I can’t help but wonder if part of my frustration would have been lessened if I could have seen this season as a combination of heart-sickness and fulfilled desires. Yes, some of my expectations for a book launch were unfulfilled, but what about the good that God did? When all we can see is what went wrong, we miss out on what can be celebrated. 

Lately, I have been contemplating the beginning of the book of Joshua. Joshua’s story reminds me that life’s opportunities are rarely beautifully packaged with a nice red bow on top. Joshua experienced the great victory of leading God’s people into the promised land, but his leadership began with the death of his mentor. For Joshua to lead, Moses first had to die. Victory was preceded by loss and grief.

In addition to loss, we can guess that for Joshua leading this massive group of people came with more than a little bit of pressure. We know that Joshua was fearful because God continually reminded him not to be afraid. For example, Joshua 1:6, “Be strong and courageous, for you shall give this people possession of the land which I swore to their fathers to give them.”

I love how we see Joshua’s humanity. We know that God didn’t choose Joshua because he was fearless or void of emotion. He chose Joshua because Joshua was faithful. Joshua listened to God, studied His words, and moved when God said to move. 

Today, I am learning to lean into mixed emotions. It is good to grieve our loss and contemplate our disappointments. But at the same time, we can choose to celebrate the good and actively walk toward victory.